January 31, 9:48 PM
He will never understand. They will never understand. Nobody will ever understand.
I set myself up for fucking failure by asking a stupid question at a dumb time. I cautiously took a deep breath, and let the question explode out of my lips. “So, what do you think about me changing my name?” Huff. Eye roll. “For acting you know. I want something more original…” silence. A few minutes pass. “ I mean, not legally or anything. Just like, a nickname that has nothing to do with my birth name?” After my first question he tuned me out. Allie is on some stupid whim and wants to change her name. blah, blah, blah.
I can’t remember a time in recent history that I have felt so crushed and denied as a person. I feel like I was just thrown away into the trash and ignored while I took a tiny step into baring my soul. I understand that he does not know what I am going though. The confusion, anger, sadness and curiosity that I am feeling. For the past 2 weeks I have been voraciously reading, checking out books, scouring Tumblr and Youtube for people like me. For people that feel the same way I do. For people that are confused as fuck as to what their gender is…I spent over 3 hours today making 7 lists about gender. I forced myself to begin to map out what it means (or rather what society says ) to “be” a man, or “be” a woman. I listed what characteristics and stereotypes are associated with each gender, in hopes that I will be able to define myself more clearly to see where I measure up within these norms.
There has not been a day since 2 weeks ago that I have been not been obsessed about gender. I am scared. I am scared of these labels that are big and seem so final. Petrified of what lies ahead for me. Nervous that in order for me to be happy or feel whole is to change my name, the way I dress, the way I walk, and the way I talk. If he dismisses me for bringing up the idea that I might want to be called a different name— a name that I didn’t even disclose to him,how could be possibly understand that deep down—way down, a part of me identifies as male?
This is uncharted territory. I don’t know how much more freaking research I can do into these topics until I can just say; accept it kid! Accept that you are different and deal with it. You are transgender. Sure you don’t want to have surgery but face it; you are queer in every sense of the word. I am longing to just talk to someone who gets it. I don’t want to explain, I don’t want to defend— I just want to talk, and be me. He will never understand. They, will never understand.
So for now on, Just call me, Rilen. Or Ri for short.
Well, these past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind.
I ditched the purse and went with a wallet, I chopped my hair off into a more androgynous style and I ordered my first binder today!!
Never in my life have I felt so confused, conflicted and confident. After I cut my hair, I felt beautiful, sexy and confident. I like that while my hair is still somewhat feminine, I have found ways to style it to be more androgynous and that is when I feel my best. I am obsessed with hats- thank you Wal-Mart for selling winter hat beanies for only $2! I proudly sport a hat with my new short hair cut which frames my round face accented by my millions of freckles.
I did have a bit of of a talk with one of my friends about this whole gender confusion thing. I ended up crying eventually because I didn’t necessarily feel that they understood how confused and out of place I feel.
I think I can officially identify as being gender fluid. I always thought this label loosely fit me. But within these past 2 weeks I feel like it DEFINETLY fits me. These past 2 weeks I have felt masculine 90% of the time and I LOVE it! I have finally chilled out and just realized and gave myself permission to just be. I still have some discovering to do in terms of my gender identity but I feel like these past weeks have been in hyperdrive and I have to remind myself that maybe I won’t figure it out tomorrow or the next day…Maybe it won’t just fall into my lap. Perhaps I won’t wake up next week and be able to declare, yes I am trans and I need to start thinking about transitioning and what that would mean for my future. I have to remind myself to calm down and wait and hope that things will fall into place, eventually. Right now I think I just need to keep doing what I am doing. I need to keep feeling what I am feeling instead of pushing it away and thinking that how I feel is “Wrong” or “unnatural” or just simply deny that this could be where my life is headed.
I am jazzed that I bought my first binder today! I just ordered it about an hour ago and I am SUUUUPER GIDDY! I want to jump around and shout- which isn’t exactly a possibility because of my knee, but whatever–the intention is there. I am excited and curious to see where this takes me! Perhaps this will open new doors of discovery for me and I will delve deeper into my gender expression and what feels comfortable for me. The only thing that really blows about this is I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this because they won’t understand. I tried talking to my friend the other night when I had a mini breakdown, and like I said, I don’t think they really understood how I felt. I kept saying that something doesn’t feel right and something is off but they kept telling me to stop putting myself into a box and stop feeling the need to “define” myself. Yes, labels are what others use to define us. But I have found that, at least for me, I need to have some sort of label for myself. I don’t give a shit what anyone else wants to label me as, whether thats being confused, trans, gay, gross, immoral or whatever! I want to know what I am so I can feel comfortable with me.
Peace and Love!
So I’ve decided to do a social experiment of sorts. In the past few weeks I have been getting really sick of being a girl. I hate having a period, I hate heels and skirts, makeup, my boobs, doing my hair and shopping, pretty much all things society says women “should” like. Even though we may not like to admit it or acknowledge it, gender roles are real and expected.
So besides hating all of these things, most of all, I have been FED UP with carrying a purse. Now, my purse may be a bit bigger than some other ladies because I prefer to use a shoulder purse so I have little pockets for my phone and different zippers to hold anything from gum, lotion, hand sanitizer, a portable phone charger, toothbrush and of course my lanyard with my keys. That is a lot of shit to carry around! (See the picture of all of the stuff crammed into my gigantic purse? Totally unnecessary.)
It makes me angry that women don’t really have the opportunities to NOT carry some type of purse. I mean what are we supposed to do when we have our periods and shit? Carry tampons and pads in our back pockets? Now, whether or not most women carry as much shit as I do that is a different issue because maybe they have smaller purses. And at this points it’s not about size- I don’t want to carry anything. I would like to know why the hell are all women’s pants so freaking tight and don’t even have practical pockets? When it comes to my American Eagle jeans, I have a hard enough time trying to fit my iPhone into a pocket let alone my keys and a wallet. I think it’s unfair that men have large pockets to keep their shit in and women aren’t as fortunate to do so.
I have taken an interest in the tomboy lifestyle and want to immerse myself in it! I hate being a girl, so why not try to be a boy for a bit- delve into my more masculine side? (Random side note: I find myself wondering what tomboys do if they don’t wears men’s clothing- where do they stash their shit…?)
So, though my angst ridden anger, I decided to buy a small little wallet similar to a mens wallet and ditch the purse for a bit. It’s an experiment to see how difficult it is to just carry the essentials: phone, keys and wallet. If I can manage to do this over the next few days then adios purses forever! Its time to define myself in the way I want to, and not allow society to influence how I dress.