(GENDER) Identity Crisis.. I put the Q in LGBTQ!

January 23,2015

I have never fully felt like a woman. To some that won’t make any sense at all, and to others it makes perfect sense. I don’t know exactly how to describe it but I just have never felt like I neatly fit into the gender binary and only now, at 24 am I beginning to allow myself to explore this part of myself.

I have asked myself many times, Do you actually want to be a boy? Do you feel that you were born in the wrong body? Do you want facial hair, a penis and everything else that comes with being a man? Do you want to transition? Do you want to do HRT? Do you want to be able to pass as a man? To all of these questions I respond with a firm and confident “No” except for the last question posed. The question, would I want to be able to pass as a man and if so, would that make me happy? That question trips me up simply because yes, on some days ( not everyday) I would like to go about my life under the radar as a dude. No tight jeans, no purse- just me, some sexy man pants, a hoodie and a “I- dont-give-a-fuck” attitude. I feel like it would be easier and less stressful to be a man.

Now, if there was like, a temporary way to transition instead of a permanent transition( AKA top surgery) I would probably consider it.  Because of this, I don’t identify as being trans, per se. I have done A LOT of research and there is a label ( because thats what it is right? Just a label.) for something called gender fluid which describes someone who, like me, does not feel like they fit into either the category of male or female. Some people who are gender fluid will vary how they dress day to day based on whether they “feel” or identify as a male or female on that particular day. For example, “Maggie” might feel very feminine on Tuesday and wear a dress with cute ballet flats and do her makeup, while Sunday she might feel more masculine and sport a pair of loose fitting mens jeans, a T-shirt and a hoodie. Like I said— confusing to some but understood by others.

I think in my perfect world, and what I am looking for is to be androgynous. For example, one of my favorite people in the world is Erika Linder. She is the epitome of sexy both as a male AND female. She was the first model to be hired as a male and female model. If you don’t know who she is, look her up and I guarantee whatever  sexual orientation you are you will have a crush with in seconds of viewing her beauty.

Androgyny is SEXY. Its mysterious! It’s everything I want to be. However, I feel that since I am a bit on the chubby side and I have a somewhat feminine face that wouldn’t be easy to play off. Mostly for me it’s the weight thing I am hung up on. In my eyes, Erika Linder is able to be androgynous is BECAUSE she is thin enough that her body is able to easily transition to male and female. She is thin enough to fit into cute boy clothes have striking cheekbones, great hair and she does not have large boobs that get in the way of the illusion of her being masculine. I have boobs and my hips/ love handles are quite visible. I don’t know how anyone could ever mistake me for being a man because of these traits,  which is disheartening.

So, I will try, little by little to experiment and see when I feel most comfortable. If that means wearing mens clothing all the time, or some of the time then so be it. I am sick of feeling like I have to dress a certain way to be acceptable. Why do I have to be feminine? Can’t I be just as sexy in a beanie, track jacket and jeans?

So basically world, I am shouting: I don’t need your gender expectations anymore world! SUCK IT!

No more purse: A Gender Social Experiment

January 23,2015

So I’ve decided to do a social experiment of sorts. In the past few weeks I have been getting really sick of being a girl. I hate having a period, I hate heels and skirts, makeup, my boobs, doing my hair and shopping, pretty much all things society says women “should” like. Even though we may not like to admit it or acknowledge it, gender roles are real and expected.

So besides hating all of these things, most of all, I have been FED UP with carrying a purse. Now, my purse may be a bit bigger than some other ladies because I prefer to use a shoulder purse so I have little pockets for my phone and different zippers to hold anything from gum, lotion, hand sanitizer, a portable phone charger, toothbrush and of course my lanyard with my keys. That is a lot of shit to carry around! (See the picture of all of the stuff crammed into my gigantic purse? Totally unnecessary.)

It makes me angry that women don’t really have the opportunities to NOT carry some type of purse. I mean what are we supposed to do when we have our periods and shit? Carry tampons and pads in our back pockets? Now, whether or not most women carry as much shit as I do that is a different issue because maybe they have smaller purses. And at this points it’s not about size- I don’t want to carry anything. I would like to know why the hell are all women’s pants so freaking tight and don’t even have practical pockets? When it comes to my American Eagle jeans, I have a hard enough time trying to fit my iPhone into a pocket let alone my keys and a wallet. I think it’s unfair that men have large pockets to keep their shit in and women aren’t as fortunate to do so.

I have taken an interest in the tomboy lifestyle and want to immerse myself in it! I hate being a girl, so why not try to be a boy for a bit- delve into my more masculine side?  (Random side note: I find myself wondering what tomboys do if they don’t wears men’s clothing- where do they stash their shit…?)

So, though my angst ridden anger, I decided to buy a small little wallet similar to a mens wallet and ditch the purse for a bit. It’s an experiment to see how difficult it is to just carry the essentials: phone, keys and wallet. If I can manage to do this over the next few days then adios purses forever! Its time to define myself in the way I want to, and not allow society to influence how I dress.

Purse Edit after wallet EDIT